


"P" is for Prostitution (That's Good Enough for Me)

by Raisintorte



Category: Community
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-10
Updated: 2011-12-10
Packaged: 2017-10-27 03:54:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/291357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Raisintorte/pseuds/Raisintorte
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jeff, the Dean, a crappy car, an overnight trip, and to no one's surprise (except maybe the Dean's) nothing going quite as planned.</p>
            </blockquote>





	"P" is for Prostitution (That's Good Enough for Me)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [subterrain](https://archiveofourown.org/users/subterrain/gifts).



“Now, Jeffrey, you’d better turn that frown upside down if you want to get the whole two credits this Dean’s Special Seminar is worth!” Dean Pelton trilled with his usual annoying-level exuberance as he situated himself in the driver’s seat of the Greendale Community College crapmobile he had managed to dig up for this “seminar.”

“Dean, I agreed to go on this trip with you in exchange for two seminar credits. You didn’t say I had to smile and pretend like I was enjoying myself.” Jeff grimaced as the car made a loud banging noise and sputtered a bit when the Dean started it up. He would have volunteered his car, but it was a lease, and he didn’t want to add miles to it for something like this. “Are you sure this rust bucket is going to get us to....” Jeff paused for a second and looked at the Dean. “Where was it we were going again?”

“Oh, don’t worry about that little popping noise! The auto body class assures me that this beauty is fine working condition. They’ve been working on it for the last 5 years and have promised it will make it for the duration of this trip. And don’t you worry your pretty little head off about our destination Jeffrey! Not knowing is part of the special seminar!” The Dean smiled, batted his eyes at Jeff and pulled a cassette tape out of his man purse. Jeff watched in disbelief as the Dean popped the tape in the car’s _cassette_ player.

“Dean, did you just put in a _mix tape_? What, was the car with the 8 track player signed out?” Jeff said with what he hoped sounded like dripping derision.

“Oh my, did I ever! I stayed up all last night putting the finishing touches on this tape just for you, Jeffrey. I hope you will be as inspired by it as I am!” The Dean got a faraway look on as if he was reliving some fantasy in his head. That thought made Jeff shudder a little as he was pretty sure he was the object of that fantasy. “Anyway, our destination is a few hours away, so I thought we could enjoy some music, chat a little about our hopes and dreams and just have a fantastic bonding experience! You did pack everything on the list, didn’t you Jeffrey?”

“Most of it.” The ‘required course materials list’ the Dean had given him had included items that ran the gamut from sex toys to costumes to things that were just plain freaky.

“Most of it isn’t going to cut it Jeffrey! You need everything on that list to get full credit!” The Dean gave a girlish little laugh as he spoke.

“Dean, there are a lot of things I will do for credit - no, don’t speak - ” because Jeff could tell from the way the Dean had opened his mouth that whatever was about to come out was going to be horrifying, “ - however, there is no amount of credit you could give me where I would do something that involve a maid’s uniform, a gardener’s uniform, a Taco Bell employee uniform, or a zoo keeper’s uniform. And don’t get me started on the sex toys or any of the items listed on page 4. I brought a change of clothing for tomorrow, a suit, and some other personal items.”

“Ooooooooooh.” The Dean pursed his lips and paused for a second. “I think I may have given you the wrong list.” The Dean giggled in his faux uncomfortable manner and asked, “what else was on the list? Also, what manner of _personal_ items did you bring?”

“Uh-uh. Not going there. Now, are we getting on the road anytime soon or what? When I agreed to go on this little seminar, I expressly said that I had to be back by Saturday at 4:00 p.m. I have a date, and I need to make sure I plenty of time to clean away whatever it you have planned for the two of us. And no, do not get any ideas from that statement. I’m not extending this ‘seminar’ because you were futzing with a mix tape and primping in the rear-view mirror. Our deal was 24 hours that didn’t involve anything sexual for two credits and you are officially on the clock.” Jeff wasn’t sure how he was even going to survive 24 hours with the Dean, let alone any extensions. The car had only one working speaker and whatever love songs and romantic crap the Dean had put on the mix tape sounded even worse with a blown speaker.

“Now Jeffrey! As this seminar has no final, your entire grade will be based on instructor review! And as your instructor, I have to say that you need to adjust your attitude a little! Now, Professor Parkington told me to let the car idle for at least five minutes before I started driving, and I think our five minutes are almost up! This is so exciting! You and me, the open road, an amazing mix tape, the possibilities are endless - ”

Jeff interrupted Dean Pelton. “Not endless, the deal is 24 hours and nothing sexual.” Knowing Dean Pelton as he did, Jeff wanted to make sure he kept the parameters of this weekend clear at all times.

“Don’t be such a wet blanket Jeffrey! Ohhhhhh! I love this song!” The Dean squealed like a little girl and turned up the stereo, which caused the blown speaker to sound worse, and started singing, “Let's make it all for one and all for love, let the one you hold be the one you want, the one you need. 'Cause when it's all for one it's one for all!” The Dean paused in his singing for a second. “Come on Jeffrey, sing along!”

“Oh, _hell no._ I learned my lesson last time. Given your past history I’m not convinced you don’t have a hidden camera somewhere in this car and are broadcasting this entire thing to the school, or just saving it for your own personal collection, and I’m not sure which one of those bothers me more.” Jeff had checked the cars for cameras before getting in, and he didn’t think the Dean had access to any sort of micro technology, but if he had involved Abed somehow, god only knows what was hidden in the car.

“Jeffrey I am shocked, simply shocked! And not just a little bit hurt at what you are implying.” The Dean paused for what appeared to be dramatic effect, “I would never behave in that manner toward a student.”

“Right.” Jeff had to restrain from rolling his eyes at that one. “Now, are we going to get this show on the road?”

The Dean shifted the car into drive and started backing out of the parking spot. The car sputtered a few times and lurched backward. Jeff wasn’t going to be surprised if the thing died somewhere along the way and he ended up having to push it or something equally distasteful. The car cleared the parking spot and the Dean started shifting the extremely loud gears as they puttered toward the exit.

“Come on, Louise, you can do it, let’s go baby.” Dean Pelton stroked the car and murmured at it lovingly. The car was jolting and jerking, but appeared to be getting its steam going and Jeff was about to revise his opinion on the car’s sea worthiness,when the car started shuddering violently and making noises Jeff was pretty sure no car had ever made before. “No, no, no!” the Dean cried as he tried shift gears and get the car to stop jumping and bumping and making a noise that Jeff could only assume was the car’s attempt at making a last cry for help. The Dean’s efforts were to no avail and the car died about 10 feet short of the parking lot exit.

“Uh Dean - “ Jeff started to suggest they try and get the car out of the middle of the road when he was interrupted by the Dean.

“Quiet, Jeffrey! I need silence!” The Dean shot Jeff a look he had never really seen the Dean make before and the Dean started manipulating the car’s controls and speaking in soft tones, trying to get the car to start up again. With each sputter and cough, the Dean got more and more distraught and his discussion with the car got louder and louder until he was graphically describing how he was going to dismantle the car if she didn’t start working soon.

Given the fact they were stuck in a rusted heap of nuts and bolts, the Dean was about to have a mental breakdown, and cars were starting to line up behind them and honk, Jeff was about ready to say ‘screw it’ and bail, but they were stuck in a very visible location and he know if he bailed it would get back to Britta, Annie, and Shirley and they would find some way to pin this how debacle on him. “Dean? Is everything okay?” Jeff asked cautiously, trying to at least make an effort so he could have some defense. “Maybe we can try this another time?” He offered reluctantly. He really did want those two credits, and the Dean seemed extra pathetic, even for the Dean.

“No, Jeffrey we cannot reschedule! You don’t understand! It _has_ to be this weekend. This weekend is _everything_.” The Dean looked close to tears.

“Dean, what is so important about this weekend?” Jeff was almost scared to find out, but after all this build up, he just had to know.

“Just everything, Jeffrey! It’s my high school reunion and I thought if I showed up with you, everyone would see that I am cool!” The Dean was almost hysterical at this point.

And it was as bad as Jeff imagined. “You were taking me as your _date_ to your high school reunion in exchange for credits? Dude, I am not a prostitute!” Jeff was horrified.

“Yes, and do _not_ look at me like that. You were the one who agreed to do _almost_ anything for credits. You didn’t even ask what this seminar entailed before you just signed on the dotted line. Classic Jeff Winger.”

“What does that mean? You offered me two credits and I took it!” Jeff crossed his arms and glared out the window.

“Well, now you don’t get your credits and I don’t get to show all those kids.” The Dean huffed as he tried to start the car again.

Jeff was about to say something when there was a knock on the window. Jeff looked up and saw Abed and Troy standing there staring at them. Jeff went to hit the button to open and realized there wasn’t one. He found the _manual_ crank and used it to roll down the window.

“Uh guys, you have a line of traffic waiting to get out of the parking lot behind you,” Troy said as he pointed back toward the parking lot. Jeff turned to look out the back of the car and saw the two cards had grown into a line of at least cars behind them all full of very cranky looking students (or Jeff assumed, he could only see the car behind them and those kids look pissed). “Do you guys need some help?”

“Yes, we couldn’t help but notice you had gotten yourselves into some predicament,” Abed noted.

“Yeah.” Jeff sighed as he spoke, as there was no way this wasn’t getting back to Britta. “Dean, you get out to push and I’ll get in the driver’s seat to steer this to that empty spot.” Jeff pointed to an empty spot about ten feet from where they were stuck, but the Dean didn’t move or speak. “Fine, I’ll get out and push, but if I ruin this shirt or get dirty, you have to replace my clothing.” The Dean mumbled something, but Jeff couldn’t understand what it was.

Jeff got out of the car and moved to the back to help Abed and Troy push.

“Jeff, is something wrong with Dean Pelton?” Abed tilted his head to the side while they all started pushing.

“Yeah, he seems even kookier than normal,” Troy grunted as he heaved himself against the rear fender of the car.

“Yes.” Jeff sighed. This wasn’t going to go over well, and when they told Annie, Britta, and Shirley, as they inevitably would, he was never going to hear the end of it. “The Dean offered me two credits as part of some special seminar, which was really I spend 24 hours with him - and no, Abed, don’t look at me like that; I told him nothing sexual - except the car died and it turned out he was taking me to his high school reunion.” Jeff put all his weight into pushing the car the last six feet toward the empty spot. As the last part of the car cleared the exit Jeff could hear the yelling and honking from the cars behind them morph into cheers and a few of the cars started revving their engines. They still had a few more feet before the car was in the spot, but Jeff was feeling relief that this ordeal was almost over.

“Jeff Winger!” Jeff groaned when heard his name echoing across the parking lost in Britta’s most judgmental tone. “That is what you get for trying to game the system. Now look at the poor Dean sitting in the car. He can barely steer! I can’t believe you’re prostituting yourself for credits!”

“I am _not_ prostituting myself!” Jeff said, and it clearly came out louder then he intended - people on the grassy knoll ten feet away stopped to stare at him.

“Well, Jeff, you did agree to spend time with someone in exchange for something, which is pretty much the textbook definition of prostitution,” Abed said in his very matter-of-fact way.

“Oh, pipe down Abed. It was not prostitution. I was attending a _class_!”

“What is this I hear about Jeff and prostitution, not that I’m surprised as he has been on this path for a while and only our lord and savior can help him, but really Jeff, prostitution?” Shirley said from somewhere behind him. Jeff leaned further into the car as he looked over and saw Annie and Shirley walk up.

“Seriously Jeff, do you have no shame?” Annie looked at him with those big disappointed eyes of hers.

“Look, the Dean offered and I accepted. You’re all just upset he didn’t pick you!” Jeff leaned against the car defensively.

“Oh Jeff, you just keep telling yourself that.” Britta glared at him. “Isn’t that how you always get into these situations?”

With a final push, Abed, Troy, and Jeff got the car fully into the empty parking spot. They all leaned against the car in exhaustion and Britta, Shirley, and Annie clustered around them. Thankfully Pierce was off doing whatever it was that Pierce did when he wasn’t at school or this situation would have just been worse. Even though the car was stopped, the Dean showed no sign of getting out.

“Now, what are we going to do about this situation?” Britta asked the group.

“ _We_ are going to do nothing. I am going to get my bag out of this trunk - if I can pry it open - go home, and see if I can get a last minute date for tonight and salvage this weekend.” Jeff pushed himself off the trunk and made a motioned for Abed and Troy to do the same. He turned around to open it, but Britta blocked him.

“Oh, no you don’t!” Britta said as Annie and Shirley moved to stand beside her, a solid wall of indignant female solidarity between him and his blissful Greendale-free weekend. “You agreed to spend the evening with the Dean and you should do it!”

“What? No!” Jeff was not getting sucked into whatever mad scheme she was surely planning.

“Yes.” Britta put her hands on his hips and gave him what she probably thought was her sternest look (and honestly, it was working pretty well, but he would never tell her that). “Now, you tell the Dean that the two of you are going to his reunion.”

“You can’t make me.” Jeff crossed his arms over his chest and he knew he looked like a petulant child, knowing that pretty much nothing that he did at this point would get him out of this, but if he didn’t at least put up some sort of fight, they would continue sucking him into these schemes.

“We should all go,” Abed, who had been standing on the sidelines, cut in. “We can all fit in Shirley’s mini-van and I would love to go to a high school reunion. It’s such an interesting experiment in social behavior.”

“Yes! This will be so much fun! I mean, I’ve only been out of high school two years, but a reunion!” Annie practically squealed with excitement.

“Of course we all have to go.” Shirley was getting excited about the entire prospect. “I baked some brownies. I will just go grab those and gear up for the ride. Let’s all meet at my car in 10 minutes. We can run by everyone’s apartments to grab clothing on the way.”

“Road Trip! I have a cd we can listen to.” Troy ran back toward the school with Abed in tow.

“Now, you just have to tell the Dean,” Britta said, poking him in the chest.

“I haven’t agreed to go yet.” Jeff grumbled, but he knew at this point any and all resistance was futile.

“Yes, you have.” Britta looked at him pointedly.

“Fine,” Jeff said, making his tone sound as reluctant as he could. Seriously, if he kept giving in like this, they would start thinking they could get him to do anything. Jeff walked around to the drivers side, where he could see through the window that the Dean was still moping in his seat. He knocked on the window of the car and waited for the Dean to crank it down.

“What now, Jeffrey? Come to gloat, or mock me, or whatever it is you cool kids do?” The Dean looked so pathetic in his borrowed crapmobile.

“No. I just came to tell you that Shirley is going to drive us all in her minivan to your reunion. Shirley, Annie, Britta, Abed, and Troy are all coming too.”

“Really?” The Dean’s face perked right up and he opened the door and hopped out of the car. Jeff had to back out the way quickly to avoid being knocked over by the door swinging open and then he kept backing away from the Dean’s attempts to get Jeff in a bear hug. The Dean finally caught Jeff when he backed into a car. “Oh Jeffrey! Thank you, thank you, thank you! I knew you cared” The Dean hugged Jeff harder with each thank you, so Jeff just glared at Britta’s smirking face over the Dean’s should and tried to pry himself out of the Dean’s arms.

Jeff started to say that it wasn’t his idea, but Britta was glaring at him and Annie was smiling with such excitement, and Shirley looked, well like Shirley, and he didn’t have a date for tonight anyway, so what was going to some stupid high school reunion? So he just decided on, “You’re welcome.”

Jeff walked over to the trunk because Britta had finally stopped blocking it and grabbed his bag. After the Dean got out his multiple suitcases, they all started walking toward Shirley’s mini-van. This wasn’t going to be Jeff’s ideal Friday night, but looking around at his friends and the bouncing Dean, there were a lot worse ways to spend a Friday night.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Smittywing, the most wonderful beta in the world! Best beta (and friend) ever!


End file.
